Tag: mental-health

A grateful heart

Posted on by Lynne J

Today marks the sixth year that I lost the absolute love of my life and my best friend to the dreaded disease called cancer. I remember it as if it were yesterday, recalling every second of that early fall morning, the change in his breathing, the feeling in our bedroom, and that last troubled breath that took him away from us all. I am grateful to have been with him and to have whispered love into his ear as he succumbed to that last breath. I was all too familiar with this experience having been in the room for both my father and my mother-in-laws’ last breath, but this time I was truly ripped in half in an instant and for the many days, months, years that followed. He was a part of me and we were inseparable. I felt like a large part of me was gone. Grief can rob you of everything in the first moments, days, months, years…but now, six years later, I am proof that you are able to learn to live with your grief. It becomes a part of you and changes you forever. And remember…being grateful for your grief means you understand that the other side of grief is extreme love. I understand that now and am so thankful that I had that love and still carry it with me. I am grateful.

I’ve been on quite a “ride” since Paul’s passing! I have experienced so may changes and shifts in my life. It’s incredible to think that the world keeps on turning without him in it, and yet here I am. Here we are! It has taken everything I have to get where I am right now , even during the times I thought I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to. As far as I’ve come, I know I still have a ways to go. I climb that hill every day, and the sun is getting brighter as I secure each step upward…positive sign that I am strong, resilient and very capable on my own. I am not the person I was before, as I was so connected to Paul, but many layers have been peeled away to reveal a new and changed me! Looking back to where I was only six years ago, I can see the new path that I have carved out for myself and how resilient I really am. I am so grateful to be able to say that and for every day forward. I am grateful.

For instance, I haven’t felt the need to write in awhile, which I am seeing as a wonderful sign. Writing has always been the vehicle I use to help me get through to the other side of difficult things, i.e. stress, sadness, turmoil, trauma, pain, inconsistancy, depression, anxiety and insecurity. But mostly, it helps me manage my grief. Finding that I haven’t felt the need to spill out my feelings through this blog for awhile is a true sign that I have broken through the veil to the other side. That’s not to say that I don’t still feel pain, believe me I do, but I have learned to work through all of it by leading my life with a grateful heart. I am grateful.

Listen when I say that leading every day with grateful heart cures a wealth of sadness. In the morning when I rise, I outstretch my arms to the Universe and say thank you to all of the past, present, and future parts of who I am and tell all them “thank you”. Thank you to a higher power. I am grateful for all of the parts of my life, good and bad, but particularly the pain. I am certain, it is within the pain I have felt, that I have grown in ways I never thought possible. I am grateful for the experience because it means I have love. Grief, after all, is love. It is through these experiences we move to a new level of understanding and peace. I am more observant about other people now, more kind, patient and empathetic. That said, I also find times for self care so as to balance my existence and be strong enough to be there for others if they need me. I am working at giving love more outwardly and not worrying so much about myself while not losing myself in the process. It is a delecate balance. I find this to be a much better way to live. I have proof that I am strong and resilent enough to get through even the most difficult of times. I now know that there is an “other side”. I am grateful.

The truth is, nothing is or will ever be the same since my family and I lost Paul six years ago. How could it be? But, I am grateful for the beauty I see in our family, the changes, the happiness, the humor, hard work, love and the togetherness we feel always. I truly believe that Paul is conducting his greatest concert from wherever he may be. We, his choral members, are singing our hearts out with him at the helm. It is he…who is directing us to be the best that we can be. I am grateful for him and always will be.

Paul, I love you and will miss you all of the days of my life. You are my “endless love”

November 12, 2025

Resilience

Posted on by Lynne J

re·sil·ience (noun)

  1. the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.”the remarkable resilience of so many institutions”
  2. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.”nylon is excellent in wearability and resilience”
  3. Similar: flexibility, pliability, suppleness, plasticity, elasticity, springiness, spring, give, durability, ability to last, strength, sturdiness, toughness, strength of character, hardiness, adaptability, buoyancy, ability to bounce back, bouncebackability
  4. “Lynne showed her resilience by opening a gift shop on Cape Cod with her son, getting a new puppy, getting back into theatre both as actor and director, while making new friends and reacquainting with old ones, traveling to Scotland alone, and keeping in touch with and spending time with the important people in her life.”

Today marks five years (hard to believe) since I lost the love of my life. For the last five years, I have been urged by my own will to be an example of resilience both to myself first, and then to my family and friends. How do I do this? Well, what choice do I have? All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and use the inner strength I have to keep going. Turns out I am much stronger than I ever thought I was.

What I can honestly say is that I am definitely not the same person I was just five years ago. Losing Paul was absolutely devistating and shook me to the core and crumbled the very ground I stood on. Everything I knew, and aspired to be was taken out from under me, leaving me a mere shell of the human being I was finally beginning to be comfortable with. I’ve had to rebuild myself at every turn. From the small things, like having a cup of coffee alone in the morning in silence, to walking in the neighborhood alone, and then the larger things like, sleeping in my bed alone, taking care of the house , buying a car, traveling and so on and so on.

I must admit, I have managed pretty well pulling up my bootstraps and moving forward. Not moving on, but forward. Again, what choice do I have? Resiliency is explained above in so many words, and I see it in my every day life. I’ve managed to “bounce” back to the life of the living and with my newfound path, set my sites on happiness in the moment. Recently I start my mornings raising my arms to God and the Universe and thanking them for all that I am grateful for in my life. I thank the universe for putting Paul in my path, building such a beautiful family with him, our experiences together and the life we had. Although he is gone, he is still everywhere in my life. He is in the faces of our children and grandchildren, in the piano in our mudroom, in our family photos, the humor we all share, and in the home we dreamed of having someday and were lucky enought to share for a time.

For anyone who has lost a loved one, the journey you are on now is absolutely a different one and not what you may have dreamt of. Through this phase of my life, my resiliency puts me on a mission to live my new life to the fullest, stepping off of the very foundation I had built with my person. I’m rebuilding that crumbled ground to forge a new path and get to higher ground. Paul may not be with me in the physical sense, but his incredible presence and love still drive me forward with positivity and strength, and no one can take that from me. Ever. Building upon that foundation is such a gift in the next chapters of my life. My strength comes from love and the determination to keep up the momentum I’ve built over the years with Paul and to reach the heights I am meant to reach. We all have potential for bigger and better things in life. Whatever those things are to each one of us, we can keep building upwards and use our resiliency to get to the next level. Keep building towards the sun. It will warm you and help you see just how resilient you can by.