So, I was driving along in my Jeep with my thoughts recently, as I often do, and I was thinking about my grief cycle. Suddenly, I had an epiphany!
Wait, let me first start from another place. I am currently, fortunately, and excitedly involved in a unique theatre piece which has all the feels of the human experience in a theatrical collage. By “theatrical collage” I mean it involves the journey of one woman, who gave birth to a sweet baby girl who was born with a unique set of learning skills. In this theatrical piece, video, stylized movement, heart pouring, humor, live music, dance and simple yet effective technical magic are all involved. It is the essence of theatrical storytelling. It’s a true and moving story. It is powerful…
While taking part in this theatrical telling about one woman’s human truth, I suddenly felt the intense passion I once had for theatre performed as an education. I always loved working on theatrical projects that stir the soul to change, educates the heart, stimulates the mind and leaves the audience with a newfound sense of self to share with the world. I directed many of these kinds of plays and original projects with teens in my early career. It’s one of the ways live theatre is so profound in it’s action.
So, with all of these thoughts in my pocket, I began to stir my soul again about a theatre project I’ve been swirling around in my head and have mentioned doing for a few years now. This piece tells the tale of my own experience with devastating grief and how it has changed who I am as a human being in the world. Also, I know that my grief is mine alone, but knowing that what I have encountered on my journey effects all of us at one time or another and in different ways, pulls at me. It astounds me because not everyone knows how to share their story. I also am acutely aware that people can stop talking about your grief or the loss of your loved one with you because they think it is time for you to move on.
Sometimes grieving individuals, given the chance to talk, don’t know how to put what they are experiencing into words. Maybe they are lucky enough to share somewhere…in private conversations or in small rooms with groups of similar people. It got me thinking…what if we could send the message outward to include many more people who truly don’t know how to deal with what they are feeling?
So back to my epiphany! In my thinking about this I saw a visual of humanity experiencing grief as a rebirth. Let me explain. When Paul first died, I crawled into a fetal ball for quite awhile. I was helpless, lost, broken and in so much physical pain. I curled up into myself to the liking of a fetus, protecting my broken heart I think. I was unborn…swimming in my grief…small.
In the months that followed, I crawled out from under myself and began to eat, sit up, walk a few steps and eventually I was standing on my own two feet. As the months went by and then the years, I found my new place in the world. It took surmountable effort on my part, but I persevered through all of the stages. Crawling, sitting, walking and eventually running. This strikes me because it was like being reborn. I’m a different person now. I look at life through a different lens…a more powerful one. I have to say that I’m finally feeling newly formed in this world, with room for more growth. If you would have told me that I would be here where I am right now, a few years ago, I would have thought you were crazy. But yet, here I am. Alive in my body, stimulated by art, music and theatre, surviving on my own, self-employed with a business I own with my son, and finding many social experiences with friends both old and new.
This theatrical piece I always envisioned writing will involve other people’s stories intermingled with mine, from those who are willing to share. It will include acting, movement, music, and will be a visceral experience for those watching, allowing them to have their moment of much needed catharsis. My hope is that they will then feel part of a whole, instead of feeling as if they are in an isolated dark hole alone and broken, where my grief started for me.
Grief comes in many forms. It is devastating and although I thought I was prepared, I wasn’t. What I found in my process is that I am a lot stronger and resilient than I even knew I could be, and that by helping others with similar circumstances helps me to heal too. I feel that I have something to say that shines a positive light on moving forward after losing someone you love. I want to help those who need it. I want to be that kind of person.
I had an epiphany and I will share it with anyone who will listen and learn.
Cancer Wife 