seeking Joy

Today marks the 35th Anniversary of my beautiful, loving and thoughtful marriage to Paul. It astounds me still, that he is not physically here to celebrate with me. I remain baffled by his loss, and although I’ve made great strides in my grief journey, I am not “there” yet. I don’t know where “there” is, but I imagine it is a place where I am happy again and joy fills my soul. I see glimpses of it from time to time, but my life is still tainted by his passing. It’s coming up on three years since he passed and as I said to him this morning…”I can’t believe it’s been almost three years without you. I didn’t think I would last three minutes.” Yet, here I am.

But we do go on, don’t we? Although I am definitely not the same person I was, there is another version of me still emerging that I cannot always get a grasp on. I kind of look the same, although not as “bright” and have the same values, but my outlook on life is skewed by my loss of love. I keep moving forward and pushing that boulder up that hill but I, as of yet, cannot seem to clear passage to the top. I desire so very much to reach the top and see what is on the other side, but this powerful and unending loss holds me back.

Along with my desire to move upward, I seem to have lost some of my most personal and valuable assets. I struggle with confidence. I imagine this is because my foundation has been shaken to its core. Believe me, I work on it every day, trying to rediscover it and find my footing again. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all?

As I review the past years of my life I know a few things for sure. Paul is the love of my life. I am stronger than I thought I could be. I love, love, love my family. I love my people. I want, no need to feel pure joy again. I need so much to be whole again, even if it means a different version of myself. I miss Paul’s love and everything that our love was made of.

So, on this, our 35th Anniversary, our love story continues in a different and more intimate way. Paul is in my heart, in my head and forever a part of who I am…and who I am yet to be. I am open to the universe and all it has to offer…in the way of happiness.

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