I will begin by saying that they mean well. Those friends, strangers, relatives etc., who are trying to relate to what you’re going through to show you that you are not alone. They talk about their loved one and the horrific experience they went through with their mother, father, grandparent, friend, co-worker, child, spouse, etc. For some reason, however, if the ending to their story is a negative one, I really don’t want to hear about it. I’m in the middle of “limbo” with my husbands’ Cancer and I don’t want to hear what the possibilities are right now. I know what is ahead of us, I’ve read the research, I’ve heard the tales, but why must it be reiterated to me every time the subject comes up?
As each person’s tale unravels before me, I totally get when it didn’t end well and I don’t want to know about it. I see the expressions on their faces. I see them needing to tell it, to make it real and to aid in their grieving. I GET IT!!!!
I’m sorry, but please keep it to yourself. Rarely do I hear what I want to hear. “He has been Cancer free for seven years” or “the doctor’s couldn’t figure out why it disappeared, but it did”. “She is running marathons now” “His life has completely turned around”. These are actual stories I’ve heard and there are many more. Unfortunately, the sad endings outweigh the happy ones and I know immediately when the tale isn’t going to end well, and I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear about the pain, the suffering, the length of time it took, how awful it was, about the funeral, about how when he or she was opened up they found it “everywhere”. I don’t want to hear how young or old they were. Or that because they were old it was a “blessing”. I don’t want to hear how the family dog would not leave their side or that the morphine made them say and do things they would be embarrassed by. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!
It happened yesterday with a stranger. She rattled on and on and I wanted to say. “Did he survive?” Before the words came out of my mouth she spewed the news with graphic details and said it was “so quick”. I’m sorry for you and your family, but I am living in a nightmare where each day I watch the person I love diminish in so many ways. I don’t want to know that he is knocking on heaven’s door right now. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW! Besides, we are all knocking on heaven’s door, aren’t we? Can we just do it in our own time frame? I am holding on to every second I can be with my love. I am not ready for all the things that are possible. Please be kind, be supportive, be comforting, but do not tell the sad tale to someone who is in Limbo hoping for a miracle.
Cancer Wife 