We mask up to cover what lurks inside
They joke, we laugh,
They visit, we welcome them
They give, we accept
They love us, we love them
yet…no one can penetrate this veil of sorrow
there is no solace…none
We are numb in this world
taking our steps, moving along on our daily conveyor belt like an assembly line of parts and pieces
Shower taken – check
Hair combed – check
Teeth brushed – check
Clothes on – check
Food eaten – check…and so on and then…
Mask on … mask on…I said “Mask On!” – check!
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again
our eyes open to reality upon awakening and our day begins without desire
We mask up
donning our mask of smiles to stifle grief’s gut wrenching grimace
We mask over the pain with our smile masks
for everyone else…all of them
Seldom, but sometimes, we inch our mask down at the corner, letting our grief peek out so it can breathe a little
we share what we need, but abruptly mask up again when they begin to flinch, avert their eyes, clear their throats, glance downward
Have we said too much? Gone too far?
we lift our mask back onto our faces…holding back our tears…adjusting…fixing…hiding…grieving
alone
To remove the mask completely would mean bringing them into our world…a place we need to and don’t want to share with its aching walls, numbing rooms, and altered mirrors
it is not a place for guests
we don’t want to let anyone feel what we feel, thereby doubling the grief
With mask on we are whole again…normal…the person they hope us to be, the person they recognize from before…
they relax…and we…we…shut down…for them
We don’t enjoy this masquerade
with its insincerity and dishonesty. It’s a lie
To peek behind our mask fully they would see what we see…
we see death…only death
death of a beautiful love
death of a life together
death of a future
the death of purpose
We mask up to cover what lurks inside
Cancer Wife 